its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
