Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize