I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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