yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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