Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
