He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
