The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
FUCK WHALES
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
