he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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