We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
