there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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