Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
