I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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