i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize