He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
