Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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