Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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