Don't make out with my wife yet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
