I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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