Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
