Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
