The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
