okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize