It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
