there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
