Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Cover your peen. We're going out.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
