there's paper in my vomit.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
