Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize