I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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