I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
