We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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