the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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