the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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