hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize