Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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