i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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