Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
