I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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