I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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