so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
