literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
