you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
