does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
why do cheetos always look like penises
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
