He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize