I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
