I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
