First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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