I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
