I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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