I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
