i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
