My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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