she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My feet surprised me
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