Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My penis needs a shock collar
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
