Your face is a jimmy john
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
