So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
ttyl tear gas
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
