Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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