She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
