Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
