Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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