Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
