i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
